Korean Beach Season

The Korean beach season lasts for a couple of months. Before and after this time the beach is upsayo, out of commision, cerado, not open for business. That is unless you're foreign and don't think that all of your activities should be done en masse with the rest of your nation. Imagine if Americans all did everything together. That would seriously be one crazy day at the shooting range followed by the worst day at Wal-Mart ever. Anyway, when the hoards and hives do converge on the ocean front their activities are no less strange than their hours of operation for the most public place in society. First point being that they want as little exposure to the sun as possible because they're still of the persuasion that being dark skinned is an ugly thing meaning that you are a field worker or some other form of migrant peasant. They actually bleach their skin Michael Jackson style, but that is whole different story to be written some other time. As a result of their disapproval of melanin they bury themselves in the sand, hide under umbrellas, cover themselves with newspaper, and wear absurd face covering visors that make them look extremely surreal like they just stepped out of some Star Wars space ship and want to find Skyewalker and kill him. Every respectable citizen and their family sits under umbrellas, lathers their body in sun tan lotion, drinks beer, eats fried chicken and ass cookies (its an ice cream sandwich that a man walks the beach selling; his chant is Aaasssssuh cooookkkaaaayyy), and jumps in the water with their inter tubes on occasion, but only long enough not to get a tan. The grandmas and grandpas have a slightly different take on the beach. They extremely enjoy burying one another in the sand and then sleep with newspaper covering their heads or sit and chat with their face visors on about life as a storm trooper. There are no bikinis to be seen, no Frisbees being thrown, no smash ball, no music, no surf (well except for one beach and that is a funny story too, but also to be saved for another day), and way too many people. Looking at the beach from a distance would befuddle the average unknowing westerner as to what was going on over yonder. I am certainly glad that Seurat was French and not Korean or that would have been one strange Sunday Afternoon. So I guess I'll see you at the beach. I'll be under the yellow umbrella trying to regain my Irish skin pigment.

Photo of the Week

It's always tough to really get the public's attention when opening a new business. However, the Koreans have found a surefire way to get people looking. The recipe for success has only a few simple ingredients: tall flower arrangements, and two scantily clad girls dancing to bad pop music while telling the passers by to come on in for some of whatever you're selling. These two girls were especially talented, for they not only danced but sang as well. The one on the left was the singer, and I'll tell you what; she could sell just about anything with her off key renditions of Britney's Toxic. Although, for some paranormal reason she did not want to be in my photo at all, but her contract required that she stand on that podium and entertain for no less than three hours. So, I had her pinned, regardless of her random bouts of camera shyness. The other one had much less of a schizophrenic reaction to my picture taking of their performance. She gave her best sexy cheerleader pose and kim chi smile. I'm convinced that there will someday be peace on earth if we just snap enough photos of Asians. They always throw up the two finger salute to a world without war and are hopefully bringing us all closer one still frame at a time. Anyway, enjoi.

New Roomie

So we got a new flatmate, and he doesn't hardly shut-up or sleep from what I've seen. He's been complaining almost nonstop since he got here and is always hungry for attention and Whiskas. Arturo Bandini is the newest edition to our Korean abode at about 9 weeks old. He's still pretty small, probably under two lbs. From my experience most Korean cats look pretty different from Western cats, kind of slanty-eyed. Maybe it has something to do with the tilt of the earth over here, but our cat must have western genes. He's got Bengal stripping and round wide olive green eyes. We're pretty sure he's a distant cousin of Abigail Tanzam (yes I am referring to my friend's pets as if they have complicated and detailed genealogies that match up with my own pets). We've also given him a literary name that seems to suit his personality. He's wild yet ponderous, crazed yet vulnerable and slightly suicidal. We named him for John Fante's protagonist in the novels Ask the Dust and The Road to Los Angeles. If you haven't read these books yet you should. And if you do read them and find that you don't have that kind of sense of humor don't blame me. They're masterpieces as far as I'm concerned, defying the staunchness of the literary cannon on every page. Anyway, we have a cat, and, as do many an army brat, he'll spend the first part of his life in a foreign land before returning to the redwood forest or the gulf stream waters, or where ever else he lives in the land democracy and the birth place of world's temple, McDonalds. Hopefully Ted doesn't whoop his ass too badly. I've included some photos and short video for your viewing pleasure. Enjoi!

Korean Normalities: photo of the week #1

So, living in Korea you start to take some things for granted after a while: shirts with bad Engrish, strange/funny advertisements, men driving flat bed trucks blasting what sounds like communist revolutionary propaganda to sell their stock of pantyhose, couple outfits, man bags, etc. As a result of the strange things I see on a regular basis and not wanting to just let it slide, I had the idea to post a photo of the week displaying some of these abnormalities that everyone here seems to find so commonplace. Today's photo of the week comes from the subway. It is of an advertisement that nearly made me fall over laughing while on my way to work. Plastic surgery has been embraced with open arms by the Korean culture, and one's physical appearance is openly the first thing on most people's minds. So this ad is probably worth whatever they spent putting it up. Also, to help explain, big heads are generally regarded as ugly. I don't quite understand this though because most people here have big heads leading me to believe that they think most Koreans are ugly. I mean they even have mathematical formulas for the perfect head size. They will either make a fist and place it in front of their face as they look at your head and if your head is bigger than their fist you're officially ugly, or they will take two fingers and in the same manner measure your head then measure its proportion to your body. If you are less than six heads high you again are ugly. Also seven and eight are better than six. I'm a seven so I'm doing well. Anyway, take a look at this ad for a plastic surgeon and enjoy.

Lofty Ambitions

We're in. Our Korean living space is no longer divided into two tiny studios. Instead we now have a smallish studio with a loft for midgets; we're moving up in the world and are more than prepared to start corralling vertically challenged adults. Bravo, no seriously, we now live on the ninth floor and are centrally located in a city of 4 million. We tested our language abilities the past few days and the small amount of Hangul we did know was retained. I can still tell the cab driver I don't understand what he's talking about and politely thank the old lady who prepared my tofu soup oh so well. I can even tell the people staring at me that they're annoying. I'd say I've covered the basics, all that's left is pimpin' and swearing (just kidding, I can already swear;).

So the real purpose of this post is to show you some photos of where the magic happens, on my high tech bidet! The Jeffersons never had it this good. We've also been scouring the web for some good deals on furniture but all we got was a cat. Got to keep those priorities all messed up as usual; otherwise, I don't think I'd know myself. Speaking of not knowing myself, wtf is up with that moustache? Do I think I'm an Irish immigrant boxer or maybe a creepy old trucker living in a trailer park. Either way it's Sacco and Vanzetti fabulous. I was already offered that Myth Buster guys job on moustache style alone. Bummer though, I had to shave it off. I didn't want to get sent home from Korea the first week for looking like a creep. I certainly had a lot of fun with it yesterday though. And the giggles and dirty looks I got made it all the more enjoyable. So anyway, check out these photos of our place and don't be shy about commenting. It's easy as long as you have a gmail account, which I know most of you do. Love to all. Sincerely, Keepin' it Real in the Future.

K-Town at First Glance

So we're back. If little Caroline from Poltergeist had been Korean, we'd be the crux of her warning. We've already assimilated to our foreign ways: sitting in front of 7/11 drinking beers and watching all of the horrible fashion and hilarious t-shirts printed with bad Engrish stroll by as they look at us with quizzical stares. But we don't mind at all being the center of their attention. Random photo shoots with groups of Koreans enthralled by white faces only seem to bolster our confidence even more. And who wouldn't kick it in front of sevey drinking beers in the US if they only could? The woman behind the counter was rather impressed with my ability to use her scissors as a bottle opener. Yes, they do allow you to open your cold beverages on the spot. The weather is hot and sticky, but the air-con is blaring and the internet is fast. We're staying in a small hotel room currently, but tomorrow we'll be moving into our new flat and will quickly start our home building. Our former allusions of living on the beach have been flouted, but our take is that living in the city center will be much more amusing as well as easier on our daily commutes. K-Town is a barrel of monkeys and makes your average circus seem lame. We already have numerous ideas to spread the humor we experience daily in this far off land. Prepare yourselves for blogs on funny t-shirts/bad fashion, what's in our fridge, and whatever other wacky ideas we come up with to amuse ourselves as well as you while we prepare for an ever growing world of Asian culture. We miss you all but hope with all our hearts that some of you will be able to come and experience some of the K-town flair (they would never imagine using only the minimum amount; TGI Fridays is Shotsky's on crack out here). So, I'll leave it at that for now. Just know the future is a funny place.

A Fond Farewell to Armistice, unless Mr. Kim is really tearing down those nuclear missile factories

So, in a feeble attempt to liken myself to the wit and verbal acrobatics of my lovely life partner's digitized scrawling, I am also writing to bid all you fine folks anyung hee kyseyo. If you didn't know already we are setting off for another year of applied kim chi and fermented Engrish in the land of neon. We depart on Thursday, July 17th and will be back to work by Monday. We will be living near the ocean in SK's version of San Diego, Busan. We will be working for the same company and with some of the same people, and we anticipate that our sophomoric appearance will lend to a better control of the language and much less consumption of poorly prepared liquids like soju, Hite, and mokali. We will have the same schedule, working from around 4pm to 10:30pm. We're both excited to be working for a reasonable sum of monetary compensation again in a place where teachers aren't expected to live just above the poverty line. We will however be returning to our masochistic substituting jobs next year in Oceanside as we wrap up our teacher credentialing program at CSU San Marcos. However until then it will be lots of rice, bad Engrish, and worse karaoke while we stoke up our bank accounts for a year of school without huge student loans. We will miss you all, and I will do my best to keep you in the know about our adventures. Our door is always open to anyone adventurous enough to brave the sixteen hour flight to the far east; if not we understand completely. Otherwise we will return to this land that was made for you and me in June of '09. I hope this message finds you doing well and don't hesitate to send an email back my way, even if it is to tell me that you have much better garbage to wade through while plugged in to the interwebs or nets or whatever you're caught in. I love you all and will miss your lovely mugs while we're away. Stay gold, Pony Boys and Girls, stay gold.